THE HARD SELL!

DO YOU WANT LOUD?!

DO YOU WANT CHEAP?!
DO YOU WANT TO BUY CRAP YOU DON'T NEED OR WANT?!

THEN YOU WANT THE HARD SELL NOW!!

I've decided to review these ads in general, because they're all the same and they're all horrible.



This was one of the the only examples I could find. It's terrible, but by no means the worst. It really comes as no surprise that people don't feel the urge to upload these atrocious commercials.

Here are a few reasons I reach for the remote...

1 - They hurt your ears

Not sure what The Hard Sell is? Think of any discount warehouse or clearance special ad you've seen on TV. You know, the ads that always sound a lot louder than the program you were watching. There's always a hyperactive voice shouting about how unbelievable all the promoted bargains are going to be. This is usually accompanied by an agitated viewer turning down the television as fast as they can, or worse, changing the channel.

2 - They hurt your eyes

Accompanying the damage to your eardrums, enough tacky graphics and bright colours to induce an epileptic fit offend your eyes. Bold words pounce at you from beyond the screen echoing what the hyperactive shouting voice has been yelling at you.

3 - They Create Hysteria
Quick! Panic! Get down there before the hoards and buy Buy BUY! FAST! NOW! Or YOU will miss out!!
"OMG! I don't want to miss out!" you think to yourself.

But c'mon, what are you really missing out on? The crammed car park, the warehouse with no air-conditioning, the hundreds, nay THOUSANDS of rabid bargain hunters glaring at one another as they rummage through dozens of bins bursting with the quality product known as 'end of line' and 'seconds'.

Why not just stay at home. Put your feet up, have a cup of tea - and don't purchase anything because you're told you want it.

4 - They're not selling you anything you want
Sure, not all Hard Sell ads are about run-out stock in a rented warehouse. Some of it is about brand spanking new stock sold in huge red sheds and alike. They're telling you you need to get down to a discount brand store NOW and buy a [insert product you don't need here] for the LOW LOW price of [insert amount you probably still shouldn't be spending here]. They're so intensely telling you to buy it that you start thinking maybe you do need a new [insert product you still don't need here].
You don't.

5 - Do they do anything right?
Yes. Yes they do. All that yelling and flashing light is hard to ignore. Even in the split second it takes for you to change the channel, you are going to know within the first frame of Hard Sell ads just what they are trying to sell you. For this reason, it doesn't matter if you change the channel. You already know. It's too late to avoid the advertising.



So, before you rush out the door to that discounted paradise which is always located a convenient 50km round trip from where you live; remember how many times you've been swept away and spent more money than you should in a store just because you saw something that looked cheap in comparison to product around it (or the product from other stores). Then when you got back, and these things you have bought become part of your home rather than the 'stuff you don't own that is shiny and sitting on a shelf at a discount price', you realise these purchases are cheap and they are tacky and they will not tolerate being in an actual living environment - and they will break. These products are cheap for a reason.

The Theory

I* have long had a theory about what makes for a good advertisment.

It's a simple equation really.

A good idea + good production = good ad
A good idea + bad production = bad ad
A bad idea + good production = bad ad
A bad idea + bad production = a good ad

If you look at the word good as being positive and the word bad as being a negative, then the double negative of the last scenerio (A bad idea + bad production = a good ad) means the ad is so bad, it's good (but probably not in the way the ads creative team had wanted it to be)

Having decided to plot all the reviews on a graph, Your Ad Is Bad has come up with a scatterplot...

Telecom Mobile Broadband advertising is excellent example of a bad idea done well, therefore it is a 'Bad ad'.

The L&P World Famous In New Zealand Since Ages Ago campaign is a good idea done well, which sees it placed firmly in the 'Good ad' rankings.

As the first exception to the rule, THE HARD SELL is a bad idea done very VERY badly, and is still an incredibly awful ad. That makes it twice the failure.


*theory is not actually mine. I stole it from this guy.

L&P: World Famous in New Zealand...

...since ages ago.

The current L&P campaign is brilliant. It's been running for a few years now and from it's classic beginnings, it has evolved into a nostalgia filled look at the quintessential Kiwi summer.

Why are these ads are so good?

They're not offensive to anyone
These ads are something you could watch with your Grandmother while your 12 year old nephew is in the room - and lets face it - how many good pieces of advertising can achieve that these days. There's no use of gratuitous body shots (unlike one of the original L&P ads), no lewd double entendre and no bad language added to cause a ruckus through shock value (that's a cheap trick by advertisers - bugger!) Nope, there's nothing offensive in these ads at all, and for that reason the entire spectrum of viewers are able to relax into the advertisment and not feel awkward or embarrassed by watching it with someone else in the room. Relaxing into an ad is a good thing for TV stations and ad making people to be aware of too, as it means the viewers is less inclined to change the channel. It's a win/win situation.

They remind you of the good ol' days
People are suckers for warm and happy memories. These ads remind us that summer in New Zealand is a great place to be, and let us know that L&P is part of a Kiwi summer.

They achieve the near-impossible
For whatever reason, Kiwis suffer from an inability to take a joke, but these ads make us laugh at ourselves. L&P poke fun at yesterday, and we like watching them do it. Being able to genuinely laugh at yourself is a very enjoyable experience, and hopefully Kiwis will learn to embrace it a little more.

The entire campaign makes sense
Everything about this campaign is fun and focused. The language it uses is very Kiwi with phrases well versed in New Zealand slang - "Choice" "Sweet As" etc and this is copied throughout all mediums used. Radio advertising, billboards, even the media that is pretty much only seen by scouring youtube is within the theme of the campaign.

The only thing they did wrong
These ads appeal to Kiwis and pretty much Kiwis alone (maybe a few Aussies too) If I were a tourist in this country I'm not sure I'd get it. Softdrink giants like Coca-cola and Pepsi have a universal appeal to their advertising no matter where you see it. Watch a Coca-cola commercial in Japan, and you'll still get the gist of what the ad is selling you. However...L&P is only sold in New Zealand (I know, I know - there are exceptions to this, but by & large it's only sold here) and there is something to be said for targeting a single culture, we Kiwis are more likely to relate and more importantly respond to the advertising. So, the only thing they did wrong was focus their advertising purely on their target audience to maximize their effectiveness in the only country which sells their product...

Telecom: Mobile Broadband

I love television. And sometimes I love advertisements too. Good adverts have the potential to make me laugh or cry. Often they can be more entertaining than the television program itself.
Now I've always had a theory of what makes for a good advertisement: it's either a good idea done well; or a bad idea done poorly. Conversely, a bad ad is either a good idea done poorly, or a bad idea done well.

Yesterday, as my beloved M*A*S*H was interrupted by the bill-payers, I turned to the important task of updating my facebook status. Halfway through posting my witty one-liner I was distracted by a catchy tune radiating from the television. Looking up I saw hip young people dancing about in an office.



And I hated it.

Why?

It's not that I dislike Elemeno P, or the shenanigans played out by the empolyees at McCullum & Associates. It's just that I don't get this ad. What is it trying to sell me? Is it advertising the risks of excesive drinking? Were Telecom just recording people having a good time? Is it Kiwi music month? There was something about a mobile phone and broadband at the end, but it was the usual crap about connecting people, so I kinda skipped it.

When the billboard campaign proved to be equally baffling, I began to worry. Surely the largest and most trusted communications company in New Zealand wouldn't be deliberately trying to confuse me? (Oh, the irony!)

This could only mean one thing - I am in fact, not as clever as I thought.

Discontent with the idea that I'm not clever enough to understand a freakin' Telecom ad, I set about dissecting the campaign to try to make sense of it. Spawning, as a result, the ad-rage venting that has become this blog.

Telecom Mobile Broadband

It's hard to know where to start talking about this campaign, there are that many things wrong with it. Telecom is actually attempting to promote its mobile broadband service, but it gets a little lost amongst all the happy dancing, skydiving and shy people on the billboards.

Keep it simple

Do you have any idea what these ads are about? The acid test for me was to ask my Mum. She thought the commercial was about "Those MP3 player thingys"

My Mum is not the best with technology, so I thought that might be why she didn't get it. I asked her about another ad selling the same product for different company - and to rub salt in Telecoms wound, Mum knows exactly what Vodafone is selling in this ad.

And you know what? My Mum is right to be confused. How is dancing about in an office relevant to moblie broadband? I mean, you're in an office with dozens of computers. Surely one will have internet access, so why do you need mobile broadband in this environment? Who surfs the net while they skydive? And what about Anna?

WTF is up with those dumb-ass billboards?

The billboards just add to the confusion (excuse the pun). Don't get me wrong, I'm super pleased that Telecom has moved on from the Clever Toys ads (now those were stupid). But what does 'Work the camera Anna' mean? Is the lovely Anna being told to operate the camera, or is someone encouraging her to 'work it' in front of the camera? And why don't these ads say anything about mobile broadband? Remember guys: keep it simple, or I'm back to my status updates. It's a little bit rewarding to crack a small puzzle like a personalized plate plate while I'm stuck in traffic, but when a billboard makes no sense every time you see it, it's going to turn me off the product.

Who are they trying to appeal to?

Perhaps Telecom are trying to appeal to people who are already mobile internet users. Now, if you are a mobile internet user, you're probably well aware of the in's and out's of mobile internet, right? You're probably internet savvy, and have probably trawled enough sites to know that:

• Youtube will not upload a new clip at warp speed while you are parachuting.
  
• The happy dancing ad is a rip off of this (which is much better).
  

For both of these reasons your average super-geek is bound to be completely underwhelmed by this advertising farce. In fact, a friend of mine hit the roof when he saw the happy dancing ad and would not stop grumbling until he found me a link to the video it had ripped off (gotta love those geeks - and Google).

So, I think we can conclude Telecom are not trying to appeal to those that already have mobile internet. They must be trying to find new users - so why are these ads so damn confusing!?!

Why do Telecom continue to treat us like idiots?
Look at all our shiny new technology!

No, Telecom. Just....no.

It's common knowledge that New Zealand is being drip-fed outdated technology at a premium price. I understand that we don't have the population to cover the costs of new infrastructure, but why do they think we are going to believe everything they bring us is a cutting edge innovation? Please Telecom, just stop it. We resent you for believing we are that ignorant.

The only thing they did right

This advertising campaign looks fun. It features an upbeat song by a Kiwi band and people doing exciting things. You want to take an interest in the campaign (despite the associate who looks frightened while he's dancing). But you see, now that you've starting humming the catchy jingle while thinking of the fun Friday evening office antics, and people skydiving with laptops, you've already forgotten what it's about again, haven't you?

Don't worry about it. It's not worth remembering.